When should you cheat on a friend?

This is how you survive when you've been betrayed

In the second part of our Affair Survival Guide, we have a few tips for those who have been betrayed. A guide for anyone who has cheated can be found here.

“That undignified piece of shit. Not a spark of decency. How could he * she? Everything is broken! ”If it turns out that your partner has cheated on you, the carousel of thoughts in your head can hardly be stopped. Or maybe it's actually more of a chainsaw than a carousel.

You don't see any blood, but everything hurts terribly. And the culprit for your pitiable condition has already been determined. First reflex: stab that monster with the bluntest knife you can find. Or do the same with yourself, depending on your character. At least put an end to it after a few shouted accusations. You can learn a lot about yourself and your relationship from infidelity. For example like this:

Out with it - just different

Your pain needs to be expressed, there is no doubt about it. However, not by rubbing under the nose of the other or the whole world, what a lousy person he * she is. But by focusing on your own feelings. What happens to you when you think about what happened - far beyond the fact that your partner is an asshole?

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Why I don't think cheating is bad

Maybe you are afraid of not being enough for him * her or of not being good enough. Maybe you feel or perceive your relationship as devalued. You may be afraid of losing him * her. At such moments we are usually confronted with our own feelings of inferiority. Do not fall under the illusion that they only came about through the mean behavior of your counterpart. They have been around since we were children and just lurk underground until something happens that confirms their existence.

Free yourself!

It's quite a torture to face feelings of small, abandoned, or not-good-enough, but it's no more exhausting than shooting at the other. And: It takes you further. First of all, you never get rid of your fears and pain by repressing them, but only by making yourself aware of them and daring to feel them.

Second, this is your chance to break free from the victim role and take responsibility for all that is to come. So instead of distracting yourself with hatred of your (not quite so) loved ones, you should give your own underground the attention it deserves - alone or together with a confidante, and finally also with your partner *in.

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What sexlessness does to a relationship

There have probably already been enough secrets and half-truths between you, so out with everything that is in you. Show him * her the hurt and fear that lies beneath your anger. Anyone who interprets this as a loss of face is exactly right. Only when we show ourselves who we really are can we form a real connection with other people. And while we're on the subject of truth: feel free to ask your friend anything you want to know. Because no matter what else you say - it's damn business of yours.

Find the logic!

The whole thing didn't just happen to you like a sudden burst water pipe. Love is never as random as sanitary facilities and other forces of fate. With her everything follows a consistent logic. And now you have to find out what logic has prevailed with you so far. So when your mind has calmed down a bit, it's time for an inside look at the relationship.

Find out what made the other person cheat. What is it that he * she lacks in your relationship or in his * her life at all? Is there too much everyday life, too much arguments, too little sex or recognition? Facing such sore truths can feel like turning the other cheek as well. "Now the other one has already cheated on me, and now I'm supposed to hear how shitty he * she thinks our life together!", You might be thinking. But yes, that's exactly what you are supposed to do. Cry over it when it makes you sad. Be angry that he * she didn't say something earlier. But don't push it away from you by blaming him * her entirely. Because this is about the logic of your relationship, and that includes - surprise! - always two.

The whole thing didn't just happen to you like a sudden burst water pipe

And I bet you too held back in some way, suppressed your needs or not brought them up. We all want to be loved, which is why it is not uncommon for us to step back and meet other people's expectations. Stop hanging out with our friends. Sizzling on the beach, although we prefer to go to the mountains. Throw away all the glitter fumbling because he thinks they are slutty. Or let us take our beloved Flokati away. Forgive the Brigitte-Jargon, but this is a fucking good chance to get to know yourself and each other all over again with all of your unloved truths.

And further?

Now that you know what is missing you can see whether your wishes can be realized. And by that I don't mean that you should mutate into a harmony club or into a sex-obsessed person in order to finally make your friend happy (or the other way around). Rather: If the affair was the result of a yawning boredom, you can think about where it came from and where you are sending it. If you have long since forgotten what the other person below looks like, you should consider what this fact has to do with your relationship to one another. If everything feels so tight between you that the urge for freedom becomes unbearable, you could try to loosen your symbiosis.

Perhaps in this process it will also turn out that the affair didn't have that much to do with your relationship, but was simply an expression of lust for others. In this case, you can consider whether an open relationship would be an option for you, although I would advise you not to start any experiments during this troubled time and rather to wait until your trust is back on your feet.

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Infidelity - keep silent or confess?

I can't promise you a happy ending. Your friend may be resisting all of this tiresome relationship work or just keep fucking around. You may find that your needs just don't go together. And yet you can only win: even if you should finally split up, you will at least come out of the matter with the good feeling that you have not thrown in the towel straight away.

But it's much more likely that you will end up with the relationship that you both really want to have. And it was really worth the affair.