Why should I never play French horn?

Brass:

horns

A conductor asks the horn player to play more quietly until, frustrated, he no longer plays in the dress rehearsal.
“Now it was almost good, but still in the performance, please something quieter!"

What do insiders call the horn?
Happiness spiral.

Two horns can withstand fifths. Suddenly the first horn player puts down his instrument and angrily says to the second: "You're drifting!"

Says the conductor to the horn player: "Please play the sixth up again, please!"
Taa-Kiecks

What is the horn group fighting with?
The first horn player struggles with the treble, the second horn player with the intonation, the third horn player struggles with the intervals and the fourth horn player with sleep.

Which types of horn are used in a police orchestra?
French horn, cor anglais, tenor horn and martins horn.

And in a classical horn quintet?
French horn, English horn, alphorn, leghorn and rhinoceros.
(For insiders: the latter is of course my part.)

And in the octet?
Hunting horn, drinking horn, pop horn.

How do you know that a bugler is ringing the doorbell?
The bell rings.

Why do horns always like to play secondary?
They don't do it at all - the sound takes so long to get through the instrument.

"How is the bugler as a lover?"
"Quite stormy, but every time he kisses his forearm up my ass!"

How can you play a trombone like a French horn?
Put your hand in the funnel and play a lot of wrong notes.

Why is the Eb horn a divine instrument?
A person blows into it, but God only knows what will come out ...

Trumpets

A trumpeter stands in front of a mountain and keeps playing wrong notes. Once a passer-by asks him why he always plays the "f" too high, and the trumpeter replies:
“I'm already playing right. But see, there's a cross up there. The echo echoes back to me again and again a "f sharp". "

How many trumpeters do you need to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One screws them in and four discuss how Günter Betz would have done it.

Orchestra rehearsal, melody (forte) in the trumpet part.
The conductor breaks off: "Now the whole thing again in Forte."
The trumpet players take another deep breath and get started.
The conductor breaks off again: “No, no, Forte, please”.
The trumpet players get bright red heads, but the conductors do
waves again.
Then the first trumpeter: "Sorry, it doesn't get any louder!"
The conductor: “Why louder? Forte, not fortissimo! "

What is special about the Ford T that Güttler owns?
It has a historic 16-valve balloon horn.

"Heh, great Benz ...... How did you get it the financed? ““ I traded my trumpet to the car dealer. "" And did he accept that? "" Yes, he was actually very happy with the deal, by the way, he lives directly above me ... "

Trumpeter goes past the sandpit. Little boy plays with sand. Trumpeter: “Wos baus'dn do?” The boy: “To the trumpeter!” Trumpeter: “How's that going, boy?” - “I take sand, water and shit!” The trumpeter hits him . The next day the same game: Trumpeter: “Wos baus'dn do?” Boy: “Trumpeter!” Trumpeter: “How's that going?” Boy: “Sand, water, shit!” Trumpeter: Cut him in. The same the next and the day after the next: What? - Trumpeter cunts! On the fifth day. Trumpeter: “Wos baus'dn do?” Bub: “To accordion players!” “So?” Says the trumpeter, “Wia geht'n the? "Boy:" I'll take water and sand! "Then the trumpeter:" Yes ... and koan shit? "Then the Bua:" Naa! Otherwise it'll be a trumpeter again! "

Trumpeter at a fine party to the host: "I'm so stupid, I didn't have a conversation partner here." Then the host kindly: "I'm a stupid, you can talk to me." Then the trumpeter: "Ah, that's good, where do you host'n for a mouthpiece? "

Conductor to the trumpeter: "You should play the lottery, that was six correct numbers."

A trumpeter is asked who he would rather have, his wife or his trumpet?
He says: "The trumpet, I can take off the mouthpiece."

Says a band member to the trumpeter: "My God, that's horrible, you play crooked and crooked!"
Thereupon the trumpeter replies: “What do you want anyway? I blow what is written! "

Trumpets

A trombonist doesn't feel like performing on New Year's morning and would rather sleep in there. As his caretaker he asks: "Tell me, can you play my trombone the day after tomorrow?" I can't play the trumpet at all. ”“ It's really easy, there are 5 other trombonists sitting there, when the others take the instrument to their mouth, they do that too, and when the others put the trumpet down again, they set the trumpet also off again. "
The caretaker lets himself be persuaded and dodges. They meet again the evening after the performance.
"Well, how was it?" Asks the trombonist, "did everything go well during the performance?" "It worked out because of it," replies the caretaker, "the other 5 were caretakers too! ..."

"How about your new friend, the trombonist?"
"Not bad, but when I kiss I always have a tin taste in my mouth."

How can you tell when a trombonist is ringing the doorbell?
The bell drags.

What is the dynamics of a bass trombone?
Either on or off.

How many trombonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One stands on the table and the other four turn the table.
Already one makes it too loud!

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Pizza Blitz sign from the roof.

A dead frog and a dead trombonist lie in the street. Where's the difference?
The frog was more likely to be on the way to the gig.

What is a "Railway Winnetou Trombonist"?
One who sneaks up on the right note by train!

Tubes

Our Father, the tuba player in heaven.

How many tuba players do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
- five - one is holding the lightbulb and the other four are drinking until the room turns.

Lehmann comes home from the party and tells.
“You, the party was huge. They even had a golden toilet there. "
"Honest? I want to see that!".
You drive over there, ring the bell, the housewife opens the door.
"Hello, I was your guest yesterday and wanted to show my wife her golden toilet."
"You, Erwin," the woman calls into the living room, "the guy who shit in your tuba yesterday is here!"

Why is the sousaphone circling its player?
So that the instrument can still be found when the room is turning.

Conductor: "Back to measure two."
Tuba player: "Wait a minute, I don't have any bar numbers!"

Why do tuba players never play hide and seek in their entire lives?
Nobody would look for her.

Brass players in general

Brass players know the very short musician joke:
piano.

What do you call it when the trombone choir plays the organ instead of the organ?
Blasphemy.